Secrets

This morning after I dropped off my daughter at the bus stop I was listening to the radio and the song Secrets came on by Mary Lambert.  Have you heard it?  I thought I was listening to my autobiography in song!  Here are some of the lyrics- "I've got Bipolar disorder, my stuffs not in order, I'm overweight, I'm always late.......They tell us from the time we're young to hide the things that we don't like about ourselves, inside ourselves.  I know I'm not the only one who's spent so long attempting to be someone else well I'm over it.  I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are."
It's a really catchy tune (wow, I sound really old saying that, huh), but the lyrics, most of them, seemed to be me.  I don't have Bipolar, but I do have anxiety and depression.  (Notice how I did NOT capitalize those two diseases).  We don't talk about mental disorders.....it's too taboo.  We talk about sex, religion, politics, pedophiles, LGTB's, you name it, but we do not talk about mental disorders.  Why? It's a secret! Why do we bring cookies or casseroles to those with cancer, broken legs, and funerals, but not to those suffering with depression?

My son had to come home from the Philippines where he was serving an LDS mission because he started having anxiety and depression and the doctor over there gave him a bunch of medications that sent him into a tail spin.  After he got home he saw all the doctors at the Mission Recovery Center and went on different meds but then decided he didn't want to be a zombie and has been eating healthy and exercising in hopes of that controlling his symptoms.  At that time I decided to also go a la natural and weaned off my meds as well. Because I'm NOT that person.  I'm not the person that needs to be drugged to function.  I'm not the person who lays in bed all day (because the OCD side of my brain won't let me).  I want to be the "normal" one, the one who functions without drugs.  But guess what, I can't.  I'm praying that my son makes it through school and work because I'm not able to function without drugs.

Yes, I am an addict, but guess what, it's ok.  I have tried weaning off of drugs so many times and the last three times (the last three summers) I have taken a holistic route, but every time I get worse and have to go back on meds.  And that is ok.  It is ok to take drugs for mental disorders and it is ok to go the holistic route and try the vitamins and herbs and oils and drops.  The point is you need to be your own doctor and not worry about choosing absolutes.  I am using prescription meds and natural supplements. My prescription keeps me from crying everyday and being bugged by everyone I meet and from planning how I am going to leave this life.  I still have anxiety and depression but I am able to function and that is much better than it was.

I want people to talk about themselves.  Don't be embarrassed or secretive about mental illness because I want to believe that there are many people who suffer from this and can be a comfort to you and me.

P.S. when listening to the song by Mary Lambert remember I said I am some of those things, not all of them.  It's no longer a secret.........